Relationshits: Lady Scandals

I meet up with some peers at the local bar I went out to in colegio, and was drinking my drinks peeping the lady situation.  It’s college night so there are plenty of women and the drinks are cheap. I keep scouting, she’s fly, she’s alright, how did I not meet you in college? and there is no way she is old enough to be in here…

Then I see one little lady, she catches my eye, I catch hers. But I play it cool, ice cold. I keep talking with the buddies, then this little honey comes over and strikes up conversation with me. I’m thinking word, this is nice, I have no work to do other than be cool, ice cold. We talk. The convo goes well, she’s cool as shit, she’s funny, she’s got a body on her.  I even tell her bout living at the crib, my roommates being my parents, she says that’s sweet. I play it off like I’m just there to help them out, not cuz I don’t have a job or can’t afford to live anywhere else.

I try hiding it, then it comes up, no job. I thought she was going to bounce, she looked like she would be bout the benjamins and i’m lucky to have some washingtons in my wallet. She doesn’t even seem bothered. I’m like word? This chick is way to good to be true.

We dance. This girl can bump and grind like R.kelly came on. In my head I’m thinking tonight’s going to be a good night, turns out the black eyed peas song tonight was what we were dancing to at the time, coincidence? maybe. I hadn’t danced like that with a girl since teen nights at the bar freakin a chick like a afterhours music video on BET.  Closing time, I got no place to go, I can’t go home. She saves the day, come to my place. DONE!

At her place kicking it, talking, getting a bit touchy feely. I got butterflies start thinking you belong to me like taylor swift minus the interruptions, I blame the patron shots. I’m bout to go in for the kiss and the door opens. I felt like a kid in high school making out when the parents bust in the door. Quick sit up straight like nothing is happening just watchin the credits roll by on the movie. Turns out to be some dude who’s big as fuck. I’m 5’10” 157 on a good day, this dude was 6’4” at least 270. He says who the fuck are you? Thank you liquid courage, I say who the fuck are you! She says that’s my boyfriend….

I say you have got to be shitting me. He’s like so who are you. I’m like man we were talking at the bar, she invited me over. She says, you told me you were coming over. I say hold the fuck up! Man, she invited me and not once did she say anything about her boyfriend. He gets mad starts yelling, throwing stuff around. I tinkle in my pants a bit. I do a quick scan to make sure neither of them could tell.

They start yelling at each other, she starts crying. I’m just wondering what is going on. Next thing I know someone comes downstairs, half asleep. Tells us to shut up. Then he sees the girl tells her to come to bed. Big guy looks at him and is like who the hell are you?! Now skulls are going to be broken. He’s like I’m her boyfriend, who are you. Shit his the fan and hits me in the face, actually it was just splatter from an empty beer can that got thrown across the room.

Now I’m sitting in silence, trying to take this all in, trying to sober up, trying to figure out an escape plan, going through my phone while watching making sure no one comes after me. Girl’s crying. Two boyfriends yelling now, turns out everyone forgot I was even there. I get up from the couch, sneak out the back door. Never have I been so grateful for freshair.

I run! I don’t want them dudes coming after me. I get to my friends place, I take a shot and drink a beer. My heart slows down I can breathe normally. Everything is ok. Women are scandalous and that’s why I’m single.

Recap:
- Women are scandalous
- Don’t get stuck in the Friend Zone
- Never trust a big butt and a smile

- Guap

So What if She’s 70

I stroll up to the next house I’m bout to protect, got to examine the situation and figure out how much of a pain this job is going to be. I open the door to this about 70 year old woman. I tell her my name, she says what? I repeat it, she says, she can’t hear well and turns her head exposing her hearing aid, I say it louder, she smiles. She had me the first time she said what and after her smile, I was done for.

She looked at me in a way I hadn’t been looked at in a long time, she looked at me like my first love used to in the 6th grade. The sincerity in her voice was so pure, her smile was that of pure glee and that’s what got to me. Who cares if she couldn’t hear me half the time, or that her wrinkles rivaled that of a shar pei, or that she wanted a security system because of the life line like option? Because I don’t care, for some reason this little old lady turned me on more than Kevin Lyttle could ever sing about.

Now, I’ve been attracted to older women in my life, but never this old. I knew it was wrong, could I help it? No, did I want to? YES, She was 80! It’s been long and lonely up in Canada, and I never thought I would think of an older woman like that. I felt so wrong, but I couldn’t help it! I even texted Royal, letting him know, I was having the impurest of thoughts involving this woman.

Guap- I was just having the dirtiest thought bout this little old lady

Royal – Lol what the hell? U must be in heat

Guap – She was like 70 and all I could think about was her giving me a blow job. It was the way she looked at me man

Royal – Haha. That’s hilarious

Why did she look at me like that? I was even thinking, if she wanted something to go down, I’d let it happen. It’s a win win lose situation. Win- I get some play. Win- She gets some play she probably hasn’t had in a long time. Lose – I get some 70 year old play.

All these thoughts racing through my head, I can’t even focus on the task at hand. So I leave the basement to talk to this women. Turns out she has a 2 year contract with another company, and can’t cancel without buying out her contract. My heart sinks, I’m not going to get to work on her house. Then I break the news to her. She rips my heart in two when she says, well in 2 years can you come put it in? This little betty was feeling me too. I said of course, yeah I lied to her, I’m not goin to be back in Canada in 2 years. But it made her smile. Will she remember me, hell yeah she will, this sexy ass latino technician how could she forget? Oh yeah, she’s 70. You know what, if in 2 years she wants a system I’ll come back.

She gets sad when I leave, I try not to look back as I walk down her driveway unused equipment in hand, thinking of what could have been. I can feel her watching. I turn around, and see the door close slowly. Just like that, she’s gone and out of my life. She didn’t even hear me say good bye, maybe because of of hearing aid. I get in my car, and I cannot believe the thoughts I was having about this woman. I’m going to hell for lusting over an 70 year old woman. We’re not men I’m not a man.

- Guap

Great Debate: Facebook > Girlfriend

Facebook v. Real Relationships

(With the explosion of social networking it has often been wondered whether or not relationships are bound to survive. Guess what, they aren’t. Code2Ave’s Guap presents rational as to why Facebook, is better than having a girlfriend.)

See why after the jump!

FML: A Shitty Situation

It is a beautiful early Saturday afternoon, and I just finished playing in a game of soccer. This was the last game of the season, so the team was having an end of season celebration.  I was excited for juice boxes, orange slices, cake, and pizza. I begin eating, then something doesn’t feel right in my stomach. I try to shake it off because I don’t want to be screwed over with a shitty juice box and small pizza slices.

The aching in my stomach gets worse. I’m thinking, something needs to be done. I scour the park looking for a bathroom… I find nothing. I ask one of the parents where the closest bathroom is, they point like Babe Ruth before hitting a homer, way across the park. I see my destination. I know it’s going to be close, I better hurry.  I tell my friend I’m heading to the port-o-potty.

I start walking. I start sweating. This isn’t going to be good. I start running. Running isn’t helping. I walk, ass cheeks clenched like a piranha on a gold fish. I let one slip, and immediately squeeze harder than your boy royal trying to fit in one of my baby tees.

I’m eight paces from the most highly anticipated toilet ever. I reach my hand out to grab the handle.  As I grab the handle. It happens, as much as I hate to admit it, I shat myself. My silk Umbro shorts and superman briefs start to sag. My ass feels a bit warm. Something trickles down my leg, dirtying my knee high adidas socks. It smells terrible. The jonn was disgusting and my shit soaked shorts didn’t help much either.

I sat there in a portable bathroom in the middle of summer in Texas, it was probably 100 degrees. It’s hot, I’m crying. I’m sweating, I’m smelling my shorts and undies in the corner with flies flying around it. So here I am bare assed, with soccer cleats and shin guards on and a soccer jersey, on a toilet, my feet were even swinging back and forth cuz I couldn’t reach the ground. I have no clue what I’m going to do. My friends will laugh, I’ll have to walk with my ass showing. I opted for sitting, sweating, and crying in a hot bathroom. I wonder, if anyone realizes I’m gone. I start doubting that I told my friend I was going to the bathroom.

What feels like 3 hours later, there’s a knock on the door. I’m scared, shitless (no pun intended) I don’t say anything. Another knock. Finally, I hear a voice that seems angelic. It was my mom. She asks what’s wrong. I tell her I shat my pants. I can only imagine how bad my mom felt for me. She comes back with newspaper, tells me to wrap myself in it like a towel. I just want to get home.

Imagine what you’d think if you saw some 6 year old mexican went sprinting from port-o-potty to my mom’s whip in some soccer cleats and shin guards and a jersey holding the entertainment section of the paper around his waist for dear life.

One of the most humiliating times of my life. Fuck my 6 year old life, I shat myself, and didn’t get to enjoy juice boxes or pizza and ice cream.

- Guap