El Capitan’s Return….

I am officially announcing my return. The only way to do so effectively, is by using an animated GIF of the greatest moment in television history; Courtesy of Ron Swanson…

Surra De Bunda…YES

Surra De Bunda. Portuguese translation to English (literally) means, the ass slap. This dance (if you can call it that) originated in Brazil and is quickly making its way across them internets.
Get familiar:

Think its just happening in Brazil? Wedding Bunda:

Insecure white chick who doesn’t want to have fun Bunda:

American’s radio personalities Bunda (1:56 “you just killed her” priceless):

Whiplash Bunda

-The best part of this video is at 1:20 when Prince Akeem Joffer receives DE BUNDA! fast forward to 2:20..priceless expression.

I decided to see how much tickets to Rio de Janeiro are from Chicago, IL. I used Bing (shameless plug) and plan on leaving on the 24th. Check the link here and see if you can budget it in as well.

1) Fly to Rio de Janeiro
1a) Avoid any parts that resemble City of God:

2) Get some drinks.
3) Find “As Tequileiras do Funk” The three scantly clad ladies in the last video and originators of the dance.
4) Get pink eye.
5) Visit clinic.
6) Return to the USA.
7) Say I told you so.

-Royal

Father’s Day around the corner.

So we’ve got Father’s Day comin’ up in about five days and I’d like to give a special shout out to my dad.

Dad’s teach us a lot of great things, they teach us how to treat a lady, they teach us how to shave, how to make a man meal and they teach us how to be dads. Now, most of us out there ain’t ready to be dads, we too busy acting a fool with our cousins, too busy getting hyphy for no reason, but dad is always there to straighten us out and show us the right thing to do. To be responsible and care for your family and inspire them to do great things.

My dad has always taught me two things. Be honest. And always follow your dreams. And to prove to you that all of us men can make that change john legend I’m going to show you the original Duecy when he used to act a fool in the Eighties and where he’s at now, my hero. I love you dad.

80′s

Present

T.HAKES

Code 2 Ave Covers the World Cup 2010 – Pre Cup

Everyone who knows the Code 2 staff, knows that we love proper futbol and all the shenanigans associated with it. Every four years I pee a little in anticipation for the World Cup. This, the year of twenty-ten, is the year of the World Cup once again. It is being hosted for the first time by South Africa…

Johannesburg, South Africa

Now with 5 days til the start of the cup, the adrenaline is pumping… I can smell the food and beers of the pub. That’s where I’ll be 9am ct friday morning for the first match South Africa v Mexico. Every Sunday afternoon you can check back here for the official Code 2 Ave recap of the prior weeks events and what were looking forward to for the next week. We will be naming the “bitch of the week,” talking about upsets, and of course updating  the internets on the Official Code 2 Ave/ESPN Soccernet Bracket Predictor Cup standings.

If you have not yet signed up for the Official Code 2 Ave/ESPN Soccernet Bracket Predictor Cup you should do so now by clicking the link below (You need an espn.com account)…

Official Code 2 Ave/ESPN Soccernet Bracket Predictor Cup

Thing’s to keep in mind are injuries; Ballack at Germany, Out… Altidore at US, could be out for a couple matches… Drogba at Cote Di’Voire, had surgery on a broken arm but could still be out awhile. Robben at Netherlands, left hammy. Of course things that need to always be thought about is the fact that Brazil is new/young, how will they do? Is France as strong as they should be? Can Germany go on without Ballack? Can Spain come off their Euro 2008 victory? or will Italy Repeat? AND there will be a trophy for 1st place!

Also, Leading up to the World Cup, there has been HEAVY promo by ESPN and one extremely bad ass ad by Nike… One of the features I have really enjoyed over at ESPN was there “I Scored a Goal…” feature; Which shows many unknowns & knowns alike throughout the 80 year history of the World Cup who scored a famous goal in the World Cup final. They can all be seen here. Also you can catch ALL of ESPN’s ad’s including there “32 Teams, 1 Dream” feature over on their YouTube’s World Cup playlist. It also includes my favorite…

One should also check out the collective minds of ESPN x The South African illustration house Am I Collective created a run of murals of all 32 teams. These have been posted all throughout Chicago and I am assuming other major cities as well. These are both bad ass and silly at the same time. Click the ridiculous image of the Swiss below to see the complete gallery.

The Swiss!

With this looking to be an amazing World Cup this year, I will will leave you with this and I’ll catch all of you back here next Sunday…

Do a car-bomb at kick-off of the USA v England match and you’ll be doing one WITH us…

-El Capitan

That’s off the Bucket List

A bunch of the guys are coolin’ around the pool table playing a game of cut throat when this older woman sets money on the table. I’m decent at pool, and through all my experiences playing, if a woman is going to put money on the table it means she’s good. There is something sexy about a woman who’s good with a stick and balls.

We finish our game, she asks for our worst player of the 3 of us, my buddy plays with her. I couldn’t focus because her titties were popping out of her shirt. I noticed her tic tacs for teeth. But I notice how I’m not getting any fuckin shots. This woman is about 46, and not really that attractive, however, she is a bad ass on the pool table. We don’t win a single game.

I’m competitive and I challenge her to a game one on one. We say we’ll play for drinks. She makes me look stupid on the table, and even more stupid when I know she’s missing shots on purpose. Then she says, if I win she’ll give me a blow job. Then I’m thinking “I have always wanted to hook up with an older woman.” I feel like I’m taking one for the team by doing this, but then I realize I am my own team. Her friend looks at me and says “she never has lost.” I say alright, I’m up for a challenge… 6 games later I still have no wins.

Her and her friend want to go to another bar. My buddy and me are invited, we tag along. Last thing I want is for my friends to see me with this woman, but it is what it is. Sittin at the bar, we all get a drink, then she starts stroking my junk. The bartender is my friend and she sees it. She’s confused. I’m like this woman isn’t fucking around. There is fear in my eyes. What have I gotten myself into?

We leave. I’m driving her back to her place. She wants a red bull. I stop at a gas station. She looks into the car and says “you better not fuckin leave me here!” I’m like holy shit, this woman is going to kill me, I could have left her, but I would have felt bad. So we get back to driving. She gets to rubbing my junk and trying to get my pants off.

Next thing I know, I’m driving round town getting road head from a 45 year old pool shark with huge chesticles, baby teeth, at most a 5.7 out of 10, and a 16 year old kid who is twice my size. Her life story consists of people dying, doing what she wants, and kicking ass in pool. She finishes her job, which was well done.

I pull into the driveway. She looks in the backseat, she says, “thats enough room, are you going to fuck me?” I’m perplexed this woman did not joke around. A blow job is one thing, I did not want to have sex with her… but then I thought when am I really going to have a chance to hook up with an older woman like this again?

My back seat was actually comfortable. She gets me ready for the festivities. I strap up. She jumps on. She looks at me then demands that I do her doggy. I say “yes ma’am.” I didn’t want to get grounded. She keeps hitting her head on the door, I want to laugh, but I shouldn’t so I don’t. Maybe 28 seconds later, I’m done.

She acts like it’s the best thing ever, I’m thinking she cannot be serious. I just wanted to get shit over with. She tells me “we can fuck whenever you want, or if you want blow jobs I can do that too just give me a call”

She tries prepping me for round three. I’m thinkin what did I get myself into? She looks at me and goes back down on me. She’s going faster than I thought was possible. Then she starts choking. She’s says you’re ready again. WTF is going on! I put on my helmet. Her head is right against the door panel. Each thrust is followed by a thud. I want to laugh so bad, but I can’t. Then I’m happy when the alcohol decides to kick in, and my little man begins to retreat.

She starts talking again “You better call me. We can go to a Motel 6, it’s only $48.52 or $51.29. (I’m wondering why she knows the exact price. I’m scared and want to get out). We can have sex all night, or I can give you blowjobs whatever you like. I can’t find my thong, you can keep it…”

Finally, she gets out of the car, reminds me to call. I’m reminding myself to never call. I drive home, naked. I’m thinking about what just happened and how bad her head is going to hurt tomorrow. I’m thinking I better not get pulled over. I get home at 4:43. I put my red Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on from when I was 12. Gather my things, lock the car and start to walk away.

Something hits me in the face, I don’t have my keys. I check the pockets, nothing. The car is locked. I look inside there on the backseat are my keys glistening in the moonlight taunting me. Luckily my brother has to work at 5am. So I sit outside until he opens the door. He’s confused. I tell him not to ask any questions.

I make my way to my room. Check facebook, I see my status it says “just cuz I’m a gentleman doesn’t mean I’m into settlin” – Blu. So much for not settling. Just know this, I’m not proud.

- Guap

Dream it you F’n Dreamers

So I had the craziest dream the other night after this skanky bitch I was tryin to smash walked out on my on the eve of Valentines day. Let’s see if I can arrange the shits as they occurred.

So for some reason I’m sitting at home watching an NBA game. It’s Sacramento vs who knows who. For some reason the Kings have Shaquelle O’Neil, Jawan Howard, Chris Webber and some other cats who have no business being on the team. Crazy thing was they were slaughterhousing (no Joe Budden) the other team.

the best line up

So I’m not sure how or why but I think this made me want to move to Sacramento and of course since I’m dope as fuck in my dreams as well as in real life, I had to go get laced up before I did anything else. So somehow Grand Rapids turned into New York or Chicago and all the buildings were tall as fuck and this dope boutique was on the corner of some street (might as well have been Code 2 Avenue at this point, I was trippin in my dream).

How Aziz did me…

These last couple of days a few people have been asking me about my run in with Aziz Ansari.

So here’s a Code2 exclusive.

I was a young blogger, I had just started TorlandoToday and was just getting my feet wet with this “blogosphere”.  I was really into writing dialogues and stories with people’s pictures that they have on the internet.  I refer you to a fake conversation I had with hayden panetierre.  Or my picture transcription of a text convo I had with Royal.

At the time, Human Giant had come out

And I thought it was a good solid show, they seemed to make friends with the dudes from The State and now you see those three dudes poppin up everywhere.  I ended up reading azizisbored.comand it turns out that he is a huge Friday Night Lights fan.  And I am a HUGE Friday Night Lights fan. Its number 2 next to Lost, after FNL its probably Chuck then Men of a Certain Age except every show after FNL on my list is probably not the truth.

So I read that Aziz came up with this fan fiction of how he would like an episode of Friday Night Lights to go.  And I thought this was so good that I wanted to do one myself, so I did. You can read that here.  OK so if you just read it, you may have noticed what was said and who said it in the comments section.  In the first iteration of the entry, when explaining why I was writing this piece of fan fiction I may or may have refered to Aziz in the above picture as “the one in the middle who is of terrorist-descent”…WHHYYYY WOULD I SAAAAYYYYY THAAAAT????!!!!!

Really I was sure that being in my fourth month of having a personal blog, and considering I had told maybe four people about the blog, I was suuuurrre that only these four people would potentially read it.  And the “of terrorist-descent” joke was a joke I had said when pretending to be a redneck who was trying to be PC but failing at it, anyways, soooo, yeah, I’m not really a racist.

So here is what the comment is, if you didn’t go to the original post:

Aziz said…

You mind not saying I’m of “terrorist decent”? I usually never comment on stuff, but wow, that was just too fucking lame and racist to not respond to. Also its “descent” not “decent.” Hopefully your spelling and worldview will get better one day.

Ok yeah, I misspelled “descent”. Sue me. And also come to find out, he’s actually Indian and was raised in South Carolina, minor details.

So when he said in his comedy central special last weekend that he googles himself, he is not playin’, he really does that shit.

But the story doesn’t end here, oh no.

I emailed him.

But do you want to know what I told him? I said do you want to know what I told him?? Do -you-want-to-know-what-T.HAKES-toooold him???

I said I’m so sorry and I would like to buy you a sandwich sometiiiiii-iiiiii-iiiiimmmmeee and here’s a link to my gasolina video on YouTuuuuuubbbeeeee.

Here is the email transcribed:

 Hey man,
> I'm the Dick Head that said you were of terrorist descent, and I am
> emailing to give you a sincere apology. It was a stupid inside
> joke that I made with some friends not about you, just way out of
> bounds, I really didn't think anyone but about three people read my
> blog, I really feel awful, I'm shaking as I type this. I really
> don't have any prejudice toward any race, I have friends who are
> actually from the middle east and I really do respect them. I
> wouldn't be surprised if you told the whole world what an idiot I
> am, but dude I really am sorry, I take it back. I hope you can
> forgive me. And if I knew a way to make it up to you or like buy
> you lunch I would man. I apologize.
> Sincerely,
> Torlando
(phew, I was mas puto on that one)


Here's what he said:
> Hey man, sounds like you were doing some weird inside joke and didn't
> have any clue anyone would read it. I just randomly blogsearch my
> name sometimes and when it came up, I was kinda pissed I guess. Don't
> worry about it and thanks for the email,
>
> - A

Me:
>wow, thanks man, the joke stemmed from this news report I watched where
>the reporter was asking random people if they thought that Barak Obama
>was a threat to the United States, and all of the rednecks thought he was
>because of his name and didn't know who he was, so I made up the joke
>based on what a redneck might say trying to be politically correct but
>completely failing. Anyway, sorry again and if you're interested in web
>junk, here's a link to a video of mine.
>http://youtube.com/watch?v=Wne2jzufMLA

>Torlando

Dumb dumb dumb diddly dumb dumb doo doo.  I always knew on the inside I was
a little bit soft, but damn. And I know I didn't plug my own youtube video
and try to suck his dingaling at the sametime?
(whhyyyy doon't yoooouuu--killyaself!)
T.HAKES

When The Girl Fell.

I was leading the warm up while teaching in my physical education class today.
A 7th grade girl was running and fell.
She busted her chin on the ground.
She had a little cut.
She was bleeding.
She wasn’t seriously hurt.
Therefore it was funny.

and that was my Tuesday.

-Royal