Filed under The World

Sleeping in the wrong place…

Kalamazoo Michigan.

It’s your boy Royal’s hometown. Royal went to school, did his time and got heck out. So the rival high school won a contest and President Obama came into town to give the commencement speech. This is great for the community and Michigan in general. After all, we need all of the help we can get.

But in this day of technology there is one thing you cannot do. That is fall asleep and YOUR graduation while the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is talking. I’m embarrassed for this kid and you should be too.

Awwww Obama was here? Did I miss it?

While I enjoy general tomfoolery and shenanigans as much as the next, I (nor the writers affiliated with code2ave) can condone such behavior.

(shaking my head and glad I went to the other high school)

-Royal

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Code 2 Ave Covers the World Cup 2010 – Pre Cup

Everyone who knows the Code 2 staff, knows that we love proper futbol and all the shenanigans associated with it. Every four years I pee a little in anticipation for the World Cup. This, the year of twenty-ten, is the year of the World Cup once again. It is being hosted for the first time by South Africa…

Johannesburg, South Africa

Now with 5 days til the start of the cup, the adrenaline is pumping… I can smell the food and beers of the pub. That’s where I’ll be 9am ct friday morning for the first match South Africa v Mexico. Every Sunday afternoon you can check back here for the official Code 2 Ave recap of the prior weeks events and what were looking forward to for the next week. We will be naming the “bitch of the week,” talking about upsets, and of course updating  the internets on the Official Code 2 Ave/ESPN Soccernet Bracket Predictor Cup standings.

If you have not yet signed up for the Official Code 2 Ave/ESPN Soccernet Bracket Predictor Cup you should do so now by clicking the link below (You need an espn.com account)…

Official Code 2 Ave/ESPN Soccernet Bracket Predictor Cup

Thing’s to keep in mind are injuries; Ballack at Germany, Out… Altidore at US, could be out for a couple matches… Drogba at Cote Di’Voire, had surgery on a broken arm but could still be out awhile. Robben at Netherlands, left hammy. Of course things that need to always be thought about is the fact that Brazil is new/young, how will they do? Is France as strong as they should be? Can Germany go on without Ballack? Can Spain come off their Euro 2008 victory? or will Italy Repeat? AND there will be a trophy for 1st place!

Also, Leading up to the World Cup, there has been HEAVY promo by ESPN and one extremely bad ass ad by Nike… One of the features I have really enjoyed over at ESPN was there “I Scored a Goal…” feature; Which shows many unknowns & knowns alike throughout the 80 year history of the World Cup who scored a famous goal in the World Cup final. They can all be seen here. Also you can catch ALL of ESPN’s ad’s including there “32 Teams, 1 Dream” feature over on their YouTube’s World Cup playlist. It also includes my favorite…

One should also check out the collective minds of ESPN x The South African illustration house Am I Collective created a run of murals of all 32 teams. These have been posted all throughout Chicago and I am assuming other major cities as well. These are both bad ass and silly at the same time. Click the ridiculous image of the Swiss below to see the complete gallery.

The Swiss!

With this looking to be an amazing World Cup this year, I will will leave you with this and I’ll catch all of you back here next Sunday…

Do a car-bomb at kick-off of the USA v England match and you’ll be doing one WITH us…

-El Capitan

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Delayed flight – You should Fly Spirit

After what felt like an eternity of plummeting through the skies where the plane was shaking like maracas in the hand of a 4 year old, people were puking similar to the guys on the sandlot after chewing tabacoo, children cryin the way babies do when they fall and they are fine until you ask if they are ok and they lose their minds, mexican women chanting hail marys in spanish, well, the way mexicans tend to shout things, me peeking out the window wondering how high off the ground we still were and if we could survive or not. I’m attempting to not get motion sickness to avoid joining the choir of purgers. Looking out the window reminded me of the Wizard of Oz when the house is in the tornado. We finally landed safely. I was happy to be on the ground until I walked off the plane into the terminal and had a look around.
I peer left. I glance right. I start to wish I was back on the plane. I find our next gate, point it out to my peers, we have a four hour lay over, I glide towards the bathroom. Open the door, the portion you push is sticky. I wipe my hands on my jeans, my jeans get sticky. I was my hands before going number one. No heat in this water, it’s like a showering of ice cubes. A dude is playing himself in a round of battle shits, and he’s winning or losing depending on how you look at it. This bathroom is scarier than a bathroom in the middle of big city, with a flickering light, everything is wet or sticky, there’s no toilet paper, there’s graffiti everywhere, and ads for women to call for a good time. I feel right at home basically. I rewash my hands, no soap this time, homeboy in the bathroom took the last drops. My hands go numb.
Hungry, I check out my options, half empty vending stands everywhere, food that looks like it expired in 2007. I look at other options, blue chips, rotten apples, but they had carrot mango juice so I kept that in the back of my mind. The group decides we will walk around to a “nicer” place to sit down and get food.
We end up at a sports bar. First thing I notice, bartender is wearing a winter coat. Second, it’s freezing, I can see my breath. Third, there are plastic mats hanging from the ceiling with water hoses attached. I thought it was an interesting decoration, then saw the trash cans, ahh…Leaky roof. Not surprised. We sit at the bar, get a menu from the bartender who proceeds to cross off half the items because they don’t have any more of anything. We eat at their food court that makes any city’s crappy mall look like a 5-star restaurant.
We eat our average tasting mall food. Find out our flight has been delayed. The weather was bad, rain and winds. A bit flustered, but it’s ok, it’s only a 6 hour lay over. People’s cell phones start dying, we need a place to sit and charge our electronics. I strategically pick a quiet little section next to some cute women who were headed where we were. No one says anything for a good 2 hours. Finally the ice is broken by asking about their magazines containing information about the bachelor I was dying to read, but wouldn’t buy the magazine myself. Turns out Jake is cheating, good Vienna is terrible.
Conversations take place, new friends are made. We turn it into the first day of class: Name, age, studying, you know the basics, if you were in school still. I had a first day of class once… More people join in. Flight gets delayed again. 7 hour lay over. 8 hour. People start getting slap happy. No one cares, decent mood, we say lets get some drinks at the should be shut down sports bar.
I start to realize how this airport looks post-apocalyptic and for some reason everything seems in slow motion. Wires were hanging from the ceiling, mice are running around, babies are crying or being breast fed, i try sneaking a peek, mom covers up with blanks, college kids are getting hammered at the bar making spring break last a little bit longer. We join in. A couple of beers and a $12 shot of patron later, things seem ok. Back to our spot. More talking with friends which has grown from a group of 15 to 22. Spring break stories are shared, such as ladies cloging industrial powered toilets in dunkin donuts.
Flight gets delayed, again. People get pissed. Rumors go around, flight will be cancelled. No flights till next saturday. We check online, we can’t find anything until monday. People have class, I have work (I’m grown). If its cancelled we all have to wait to be on standby until the following saturday. People are angry, I’m hungry, I get a parfait and that mango carrot juice, it’s decent. Our flight can’t come in the weather is too bad. Flight is now pushed till 11:51, original time of departure is 4:39.
We contemplate caravaning to michigan, cuz that’s where everyone was from it’s about a 10 hour drive, at this point we would have been close to home if we just did that in the first place. Weather is still bad outside, we can’t get any rental cars. Some workers were hispanic, a bunch of mexican jokes are said, I’m not offended. Drunk girls yell at the desk people. Random clapping. Fire alarms goes off. This wasn’t the first time, I just forgot to mention it earlier. It went off more times than it did in your dorm your freshman year (6 year ago), every time people just looked around not sure what to do. There were no fires, but if there were, at least the air port would have had heat.
Nothing left to do but wait it out. We chill. Claps come, our flight will arrive. We will make it home. New time of departure? 1:30 AM, this is before the daylight savings switch. Take off at 2, which is now 3. Walking to my seat, I notice a smell that seems familiar after a night of not knowing my limits when drinking. I see water bottles, gum wrappers, crumbs of chips, people listening to “no scrubs” louder than I listen to Spice Girls “Wannabe”. Girl in the seat across the isle found the odor I noticed, its in her seat, which is not cleaned. They got new seats. I close my eyes and want to sleep.
I wake up to some shaking and the guy next to me writing a story, maybe it’s the same tale I’m writing now. His hands are going all fast. He catches me reading.  He covers it up. Eph that guy, I didn’t want to read it anyways, I close my eyes. It’s about 4 and we land safely. I walk through a terminal in Detroit that looks like heaven compared to the previous airport. Grabs some eats, thanks to a friends parents. Hit the road. Arrive at home at 7:30 AM.
I sleep like a baby with my walle lamp beside me. I think about the good times from the week, the friends made in the airport and then I remember the drunk girls weren’t allowed on the plane… I wonder where and what they are doing now?

- Guap

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Even Wyoming knows it sucks…

Wyoming couldn’t even come up with some way to make themselves sound better than they really are…

(Click to enlarge)

- Jonny D

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The Tenth Year.

2010.

Well it is here. Time to get back on our tomfoolery steeze. So the real question is what the hell happened in the 4th quarter of 2009? Code2ave fell the hell off. Yeah you are right. No if, and’s or but’s about that. Drama had more jobs then a Jamacian, Royal and Jonny D were busy teaching the youth of America, Guap and El Cap were doing lord knows what, T.Hakes was fingerpainting, DKA was planning to take over the world.

Things will be better in the tenth you. I promise you that party people.

-Royal

(Shout out to fellow blogger homies Brock n Lake @ UVT, Ollie at NPB, DP @ DP dot Com, and the biggest H8ter in the history of the world.)

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RE: Beautiful Daughters: Keeping up with the Kimmy K’s

Being that often times I feel like my views and stories matter (which they don’t of course) and I haven’t posted shit in months, I’m gonna hit you with the Armenian remix of the beautiful daughters tragedy.

Now me personally, I have a feeling that I’m having sons no matter how many skeezers I bang out with attemps I make at fatherhood. My brother has 2 sons, my father has 2 sons and his father has 2 sons. With that said, life will probably continue to shit on me and produce anywhere from 2 to 5 continuously disappointing daughters.

Their mother/s will either be someone who’s name I didn’t get before I planted the seed, a girl arranged for me before I was born and don’t know about yet or a honey imported from the mother land. These daughters, they will have the standard Armenian upbringing which is far from standard by anyone’s… uh… standards. Way too many uncles and aunts, countless BBQs without ever seeing a conventional grill and talks of possible suitors soon as they can walk. They’ll be book smart, understand geography and math really well but be dirt ass stupid when it comes to the common sense (no Resurrection).

Case in point

They’ll do the whole Barbie dolls and pony tea parties thing and take interest in the fellas relatively early in their pre-pubescent lives. This will matter not because they will never be allowed outside of the house until their 20s and will only know the companionship of young hairy half-breed Armenian boys aka the sons of my infinite cousins. Their undoing is going to be this sheltered life. Too much good food and no contact with the outside world will produce vivaciously curved young womens with as much understanding of the “real world” as MTV aka very little if not no understanding.

I call it lol-er blading

Once their curious minds outreach daddy’s overly protectiveness they will venture out into college… community college but college all the same. This is where she befriends a girl who she should never meet; the same skanky heefer I’ve spent my late teens and early 20s with. This girl will give her her version of the “steps to success”. Now the daughters were always beautiful and shapely but I would have had them clothed in more layers than a turduckin on Thanksgiving. Their new friend who will no doubt be less thick and more skanky will provide fashion advice and if I’m lucky, herpes free loaner clothing that will fit the snuggest.

daaang

She’ll start enjoying the attention of boys. The never-been-to-the-gym-but-firm-thick body will start getting noticed and she’ll start noticing too and get that new wardrobe. She will know about sex but still be that good virgin girl because she doesn’t want to get anyone killed around here dig? With these new discoveries the daughter will still get that degree in law or political science or engineering; something practical. She will want to goto grad school somewhere out-of-state. She’ll mention UCLA because it’s in the “homeland” aka little Armenia and the father will have to concede because this will be a great opportunity. Too bad the only reason she wants to goto California is to be “discovered”.

tooo growned up

Good weather too

Then my worst fear fruits into conception and she ends up with Royal’s son who will at this point be playin at USC on a football/lacrosse scholarship, end up teaching her all the positions (not talkin bout strong safety or x man) because all she knows about sports is that they start makin money somewhere between college and retirement and end up on the internets in some vag-in-a shots or the coupe de grace “home video”.

the positions

least she'll give it away to someone who will leave her when he gets into the pros.... NFL Europe

And of course I will not wonder what happened to daddy’s little girl, I’ll just continue to curse my life while letting the good Lord humor himself with it.

least she'll be a looker, daaaaaaaaah

- Papa Drama

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RE: Beautiful Daughters: La Bella Mas Fella

Being Code2 Faculty is about as fun as being part of the viewing blogosphere.  We are as surprised by our colleagues entries as you are sometimes.  And when I saw the boy Royal’s post on beautiful daughters I thought, “must be nice”.  My first thought was to just make a comment on how disastrously optimistic  that sounds for the future of my posterity but then I decided that it needed a whole entry on its own.

In my family, Royal’s theory applies.  The odds for mixed kids are just stacked in our favor like that.  Luckily all the girls are mostly in the stage of not wylin out yet.  But this stuff sometimes skips a generation.  So today, I’m going to talk to y’all about a different curse:

Disappointing children.

First I’d like to talk about my future sons.  Cute babies, really cute babies, but cute babies eventually turn into cry babies.  There is nothing worse than a short, straight haired, high yellow, chubby, slow-poke son. (Sensitive  aahh…)

“Quit cryin’ while I cut this straight ass hair!”  You are going to try to put him in football, basketball, tae kwon doa, (this kid just loves to cry) and then finally soccer and realize that his moment of glory will be in the county fair talent show doing a dance number with Katie Jones from down the street.

At least he’ll be smart though.  For fun he’ll make up games like “starting a business” and he’ll use his school’s play money “bearcat bucks” or whatever alliteration combo that matches the school mascot to pay-off other kids to not make fun of his gay sounding voice. (you think I’m playin, but I’ve seen this in real life.)

Now IF, IF he makes it out of high school without becoming a stuck-up a-hole then he’ll go to college and become a stuck-up, know-it-all a-hole with a degree.  You’ll lose touch with him and years later like the prodigal son he’ll return and tell one of his girlfriends (not the kind you smash) all about how he’s finally reconnecting with his father and that its resolving soooo many daddy issues. UGH…

 

Now the girl is a little tricky, because no matter how ugly or fat she is…she is still daddy’s little girl and beautiful in the eyes of dad, because unlike Royal, I’m not going to one day find a young woman on a couch and remember how my wife’s figure looked like and compare, yuk! (John and Mackenzie Phillips lookin’ boy.)

So much like the boy, she will be a cute baby, a cute BABY. I’m thinking Olivia cute or Rudy cute.

But that doesn’t last… Now I KNOW what you’re thinking.  Didn’t Keisha Knight Pulliam end up slammin in that Jason Weaver video?!?  YEEESSSSSSS, YES SHE DID, BUT!!!, BUT!  She was a casualty of the “beast years”.  It happens, it will happen.  They struggle a little with weight, don’t know what to do with their hair, other girls are getting breast over the summer! Its a disaster!  There was a whole episode of the Cosby Show dedicated to it.  And sometimes they get through the beast years, and sometimes:

These things happen.  Now I’m telling you right now, I would still make raven my wife, I would.  She has beauty on the inside and I will give you more reasons in a minute.

When a girl goes to middle school, those two years become the worst two years of her life.  Other girls are way too judgmental, they go through friends just as fast as they go through boyfriends.  And many girls don’t make the popular girl cut going into high school and guess what, your daughter is on the cut list.  I’m sorry, but mine is too.  She’s not popular, because she’s apprehensive about breaking the rules, the boys aren’t that into her, well one boy is and he smells like pee.  She gets nervous too easy and she doesn’t have that killer instinct that Royal’s daughters will have, she struggles with weight, which makes her eat more, wears braces with too much color on them and she likes to do good in school.

And this is hard for the dad, because he wants to have a barbecue at the house and show off pictures of the kids at work but she isn’t photogenic! Sabes que, not photogenic! And I’ve been to them houses too when you look at the picture frames and you go “WHOA! What is up with yo’ face?!”

So high school, she ends up finding a group of ugly friends, because they accept her.  Probably in the band or choir.  They are loving, they make her feel good about herself because she is actually somewhat better looking and she forms true bonds.  It doesn’t matter that she still wears overalls and doesn’t quite get how to do her hair.  At least she’s an interesting person and funny, if you give her the chance.  Well the first year of college is going to feel like middle school all over again.  Her friends from high school ended up going to the hometown college. (western ugh)  And she is at George Washington State University. ( I told you she was smart)  She doesn’t know if she can make it through her first year but she buckles down and does it, then after her Junior year she gets her first summer internship in a law office.  And she has to look professional, so she gets a business wardrobe, and she goes to the hair salon for the first time and gets the right gel that is not LA Looks, because that walmart stuff don’t work on the good hair.  And BAM!Ready for Business.  This is a daughter you can be proud of at this point.  You know that she can keep it real.  She’s educated, but really educated.  She knows who she is.  She can take care of herself.  She has overcome the odds and she is ready to make a responsible choice in a man.  You can say, “oh, I don’t have to worry about that one, she’s going places.”

T.HAKES

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Beautiful Daughters: Rihanna Syndrome

I know that I’m going to have every fathers worst nightmare.

Beautiful daughters.

Why is this every fathers worst nightmare? Because at some point in time, every father was between 18-25 years of age… And if your a female reading this site just know that the worst ish ever goes through the minds of 18-25 year olds. If you could honestly hear what goes through our heads while at a club or bar…you would be disgusted.

Moving on.

I believe that God has an epic sense of humor. This is why I know I’ll be blessed with beautiful daughters. Fellas, level with me. You know what you’ve thought in regards to the ladies…most of it is negative, in a positive way (if you know what I’m meeaaaannn!) And you know that some of the things you’ve thought (possibly carried through on) you would never…ever…ever…EVAR want to happen to your daughter. Well if you’ve had years of foolishness and downright shenanigans then your time will come eventually.

Whatever the higher power is (if you believe or not whatever, just keep reading) will hook you up later in life one of two ways when it comes to children.

1. You’ll have a son who is extremely athletic on the field and does his thing in the classroom. He’ll be the model child growing up, but then his senior year of high school or freshman year of college, he’s going to have a career ending injury and wind up blogging in your basement.

2. You’ll have a daughter who becomes extremely attractive. What happens during her teens and early 20′s is what I call the “Rihanna Syndrome”.

But Royal, what is the Rihanna Syndrome?

Listen, its when a girl comes on the seen with marginal talent and good looks… she’s young and modest…then completely flips it on you with ridiculous sex appeal. Put your future dad hats on and roll with me…

This is when the transformation starts to take effect. Its around her junior/senior year of high school. You notice that your daughter is starting to get a little bit too attractive, but you aren’t alarmed just yet. You simply take it in stride and hope for the best. But then she releases a music video and starts showing off the curves she magically developed in high school but covered up in her boyfriends varsity jacket:

You still aren’t totally freaking out because it still looks modest on the surface, and you see the hip gyration at the end of the video and think to yourself “oh she just can’t dance”…bullshit, she actually knows how to move her hips and has been practicing in your basement while “watching movies”…act like you didn’t “watch movies” when you were in high school and through college. You knew damn well what either happened…or what you wanted to happen when you “watched movies”…ladies, heads up. If a guy asks you to “watch a movie” and its not a good movie (i.e., award winning, or featuring the likes of Denezl Washington, Morgan Freeman, Tom Hanks, Brad Pitt, and the like…he’s not trying to watch a movie).

Moving on.

So a little bit of time passes and your daughter goes off to college. Your happy to see her grow up, but you don’t know what the hell is going to happen as soon as she gets a taste of freedom. College is that taste of freedom. Some decide to stay away from light beer and instead pound liquor and campus dining, others gotta stay in shape for sports, but lose their minds once their carrier is over, others take it to the gym and keep it standard, others completely lose it and lord knows what happens to them. With your daughter…it’s a roll of the dice.

So she comes home over break and you start to notice a change…

You realize that your daughter knows shes attractive, but you just pray that she doesn’t realize that she’s a bombshell.

This moment comes when you get home from work and notice a grown ass woman lying across your couch watching tv, and you think to yourself, damn my wife used to have that same exact figure…but then reality sets in and you realize that, that is Daddy’s Little Girl…

What’s a father to do? Daddy’s Little Girl is gone.

So your daughter goes back off to school, but this time you don’t see her for a couple months, maybe a year, let’s stick with the holiday season and pretend she’s home for Christmas…

Immediately, you realize that who was once the sparkle in your eye is now a potential centerfold…

In your mind, your thinking that she’s still your little angel…just grown up a tad

Couldn’t be further from the truth…

Now she has WOMAN attitude.

She can convince men to do whatever she wants

She can convince men to do anything

You see her facebook photos...

You realize your daughter is a sex symbol

You begin to enter denial

Your friends and the community start to notice

No turning back now

At this point it’s over.

God has pulled a fast one on you, and your daughter fell victim to the Rihanna Syndrome. I hope it doesn’t happen to you, but I’m certain that it will happen to me.

The daughter you knew will be no more…

Say goodbye to youth and innocence

Cheers to fatherhood.

-Royal

Special thanks to Rihanna for becoming the young woman I know my daughter(s) will grow up to be.

 

 

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